The Wizards Sleeve - The Newsletter for Wolseys Bar & Eating House

Issue One - Free (like we would charge for it..)

Cheap Beer!

Congratulations on having sufficient curiosity to pick up this first ever edition of what we hope will become the Wolsey’s equivalent of the in-flight magazine, only without the articles on cooking Thai Chicken and adverts for American Express and other rubbish. We have thought long and hard about how we, the staff, could keep you, the lowly punter, more aware of the changes and new ideas that are coming to fruition in the hottest bar in town. Why are you now laughing? Needless to say, this was the only worthwhile idea we could come up with.

I appreciate the fact that most people will already have stopped reading this, so well done if you have made it this far. Basically as this is the first issue we are still very much at the beginner stage as to what to include, so any input you may have would be greatly appreciated. Any suggestions you may have should be passed on to Steven, myself (Kayeso) or Gary. I would also point out that if you suggest anything to Gary, make sure you also mention it to someone else. Either that or make sure he writes it down. And in a place where myself or Steven will definitely see it.

Well thanks very much for persevering. I hope that future issues (always the optimist, that’s me) combined with a reasonably up to date bulletin of planned events and features on the different people normally seen here, will help make you feel more at home and part of the family that drink in Wolsey’s, and less like the Café Céol imposter that you actually are! See you soon.

A Manager Writes...

This was supposed to be the part of the news-letter where our beloved Kayeso takes a back seat for a while as I (Steven) finally contributed to the writing of this thing, what with him having done all the rest of the work, without the bar having contributed even a single penny towards the printing costs. All he asked of me was that I scribble a reasonably short hello and welcome for all those hot young readers, and provide a full list of events that are taking place during the all-important month of December. Could I do that? Could I bollox!

After all, why bother pulling my finger out of my arse when all I have to do is sit in the office and masturbate furiously while everyone else is knocking their pan in. It is so much easier after all. When pushed for some information, I’ll just knock off something abusive (and completely untrue) about Kayeso’s bum-burping habit and surely that will suffice. And as for the full list of events. Sorry mate, it’s "at the printers". That’ll keep him off my back for a while. This management thing is a right old piece of piss. So when exactly is my next holiday..?

Stephen Dodds (Alleged Manager)
*The editor reserves the right to alter Steven’s contribution due to lack of space, or just for the hell of it.

Any ID?

As ever with Wolsey’s and indeed most bars in Bangor, there is nothing funnier for the veteran drinker than watching the farcical attempts of some of Bangor’s younger citizens to obtain alcohol. Whether it’s the shuffling nervousness, the look of mild panic, or the pushing forward of the oldest/tallest member of the group to lead the charge and distract from the obvious youth of the rest of the party, it’s all a delight to watch. Assuming that if you are reading this, you are under-age, here are some of the do’s and don’ts of avoiding the bouncer’s grasp...

DO:

Shave - What you think is stubble, is embarrassing bum-fluff to grown ups.

Know what you want - In the excitement of having got into the bar, don’t make a fool of yourself by ordering “a beer”.

Dress up - Most people, going out for a night in the bar, don’t wear tracksuits and Fila tops. Well, non-steeks, anyway.

Make eye contact - Nothing susses out the underage drinker more than an absolute refusal to make eye contact with anyone who isn’t sitting at their own table, especially bar-staff.

DON'T:

Wear after-shave - In case you hadn’t noticed, most 19 or 20 year olds don’t stick on half a pint of their dad’s finest before going out.

Make excuses - No you haven’t left your driving license “in the car”… you’re 15! If confronted, and you don’t have any ID, don’t bother.

Be a Gyp - Counting out the money into the barman’s hand shows you don’t get enough pocket-money.

Be self-conscious - It’s not the Slaughtered Lamb, it’s Wolsey’s!

Staff Focus - Peter (oh, great..)

Those poor sods among you who have been coming to the bar for more than two years will probably have noticed that the place is seemingly on the up again, thanks to the “visionary” management skills of our very own Steven “I’m Not Here” Dodds. It is thanks to, and certainly not in spite of him, that the bar, though still looking like the toilets at the end of a 3 day rock festival, at least looks like the toilets at the end of a pretty enjoyable 3 day rock festival.

However to give Steven all the “credit” for the work he has done is to totally ignore the valiant work of the rest of the freaks and vultures who work here. In this regular feature of the news-sheet these unsung “heroes of the pumps” will get their moment in the spotlight. This issue’s subject is Pete, one of the longest serving members of bar-staff. As well as working behind the bar, Peter is a regular attendee and winner of the Monday Night Pub Quiz. However, don’t let the fact that he is a cheat and all-round smart-arse put you off as we give him his Warholian 15 minutes of fame…

Your name and age?
Peter Neil Wilson, 26.
How long have you been working here?
Tragically, 9 years. Will I get a mirror too?
What do you do during daylight hours?
I work for a training organisation in East Belfast
Do you remember your first night in Wolsey’s?
Cleaning up someone’s vomit in the old upstairs toilets. It was a Thursday night, back when Thursdays in Wolsey’s was the night out in Bangor.
What was your best ever night in Wolsey’s?
The staff do’s are always great, although we were barred by the George for food fights. Even Balloo House was good, and how shit is it? Xmas nights in Wolsey’s is the best night to work as it’s a great tradition, and the tips are good. (A none too subtle hint, methinks).
What do you like about Wolsey’s?
As a “people person” (you wot?), I genuinely enjoy working with the other staff members, but the punters in here are usually great. This place has the best regulars around!
What do you dislike about Wolsey’s? 
They never modernise when they should do. Whenever money is spent, it’s always in dribs and drabs.
And finally, which member of staff are you shagging?
Julie who takes the money on the door on Thursdays and Saturdays. At least, unlike some people I could mention, she is my girlfriend!