The Wizards Sleeve - The Newsletter for Wolseys Bar & Eating House

Issue Two - Free  - or 20p if you want to donate something (No, I didn't think so)

Is Wolseys Haunted?

Worried staff and regulars of the bar have recently borne witness to some terrifying sights, and we’re not talking about when Martin Wolsey opened his wallet at the Xmas do either. No, the real subject of these recent goings-on is the ghost that reputedly haunts Wolsey’s. A spooked employee, too scared to reveal his real name, but we’ll call him Handy “Mandy”, recently spotted the ghoul on a recent venture to the third floor. While innocently downing a bottle of Harpic, he claims he was set upon by the apparition and pushed down the stairs to the echo of an 808 drum machine. He claims the spectre then forced him to consume 15 pints of Carlsberg, which it poured for him, and some Chilli peanuts. It then ejected him naked out on to the street, where he was later discovered by police in a state they described as “embarrassingly incoherent and disorientated. He kept telling us that he loved us”.

There is thankfully other evidence of an evil force of nature at work in the bar. “Barry Gartlem” (not real name) has claimed that while working upstairs, a clock suddenly leapt off the wall behind the main bar and flew approximately five feet through the air. There were however no witnesses to this event despite the fact that there were three other people working behind the bar. At the time, however, it was generally felt that the other staff were working too hard to have the time to stand around smoking cigarettes while staring at clocks. Other witnesses have described driving past at all hours of the morning, seeing lights on in the bar and hearing the “ghostly” sound of clinking glasses. Milkmen have reported the sight of dishevelled figures leaving the bar at dawn and walking up towards Prospect Road. Oddly, these all seem to have stopped in recent months.

What does seem certain, however is that there is some primeval force at work. While it is well known that the interior of the bar was obtained from an old church, is it possible that some unsettled soul now walks the corridors of Wolsey’s, damned for all eternity? Watch this space...

A Manager Writes...

Now then, you cheap gits. It has become apparent to me that none of you kids today know how to drink properly. In case the sobering example of Gary Bartlem opposite isn’t quite enough of an “incentive“ for you, perhaps a further example is needed in the form of Jeffrey Bernard, former columnist for The Spectator magazine (not the local toilet roll). For those of you who are ignorant of this recently deceased legend, let me give you a few tips… The man himself was an unbelievable drinker, dedicated smoker, committed gambler, spectacular womaniser, and occasional journalist. He was regularly to be found in his local “The Coach & Horses” scabbing vodka, lime and sodas from strangers before telling them to “piss off” if they sought anything in return, even conversation.

Late in his life, when he was commissioned to write his autobiography, he found his recollection somewhat lacking. To help him, he placed an advert in the local rag asking if anyone could tell him what he had been doing between 1960 and 1974. He later died in 1997 after withdrawing from kidney dialysis because he claimed it interfered with his smoking!
If you think you can do better, feel free to try. The best way of achieving this is, I suggest, is to donate a lung to charity, smoke 80 filterless B&H a day, then send in a photograph of yourself to the bar. If you inform us first, we may arrange sponsorship!

Stephen Dodds (Alleged Manager)
*The editor reserves the right to alter Steven’s contribution due to lack of space, or just for the hell of it.

Health & Efficiency

At this time of year, after overindulging at Xmas, it is almost inevitable that a certain percentage of you are panicking about your waistlines and how you are going to get your figure “back” in time for those summer holidays. It would only be churlish to mention that you’ve always been a bloater and that the only way you are going to lose that unwanted weight is to stop sitting in pubs drinking while reading pamphlets. However, here at The Wizard’s Sleeve, we like to take a more encouraging & positive viewpoint. Therefore it is with great pleasure that we present, for your health and well-being, the patented Gary Bartlem “Five Steps to Fitness” programme (four, if you really can’t be arsed):

1st Step: EAT HEALTHILY – Chicken is apparently one of these healthy white meats I have been reading about. So instead of burgers or pizza, have chicken goujons instead. Don’t forget chips for both potatoes and good healthy vegetable oil, with some pepper sauce thrown in (for the herbs, obviously). Make sure you pile the coleslaw on though, for even more of those nutritious and delicious vegetables.

2nd Step: EXERCISE – Don’t just lie in bed all day on your days off, get up and sit in an armchair instead. Watch TV or play Playstation to stimulate those often ignored brain cells. For some physical activity, I would suggest some frenzied masturbation as it usually builds up a bit of a sweat. It mightn’t last too long, but it’s a start! Also make sure you walk everywhere you go, even if it’s just to the fridge for a quick snack or up to the local shop for some cigarettes.

3rd Step: DRINK CAREFULLY – Remember the units system. It’s 21 units for adult males, 14 for adult females. If I remember right a pint of Carlsberg is the equivalent of 0.25 units. Also make sure you replenish your body with some of these new-fangled isotonic drinks. Red Bull is my favourite. A bloke in the pub once told me that these drinks can speed up your heart rate, so it’s best taken with something that in turn slows your heart rate down. I suggest Bacardi, and best make it a double, eh? Better safe than sorry.

4th Step: LISTEN TO YOUR BODY – If you have attempted to follow this plan you will start to notice your body undergoing some rather dramatic changes. The best way to monitor yourself is to inspect your stools. I suggest taking at least 45 minutes in the bathroom every day doing this; possibly, when you’ve just started work. As I always say “If a jobs worth doing, it’s worth doing right!” Other signs to watch out for include your nose, which will start to turn a healthy shade of red, and a recurring tingling sensation down your left arm. Whatever you do, don’t worry, as this is all perfectly normal…

5th Step: DEATH - Errr, that’s it!!

Staff Focus - Kirsty (Wey-Hey!)

After the “success” of the last issue, it seems that some of you shaved monkeys actually are interested in getting to know the bar-staff. And not just pervs like myself either. Rumours have circulated about the popularity of certain members of staff in the “Phwoar!” stakes. Worryingly, some misguided fool even posted a message on Magic Paul’s bulletin board commenting that our beloved Führer, Steven Dodds, was a bit of a catch. Obviously whatever scary tropical disease (s)he had contracted was just beginning to kick in… What this all means is that we will carry on with these little interviews for the foreseeable future. If nothing else, it means you have something else to say to them apart from the usual “Pint of Carlsberg, thing of red Pringles, please”. And that’s always a good thing.

It was felt necessary to give a short introduction to this issue’s subject (and the subject of my issue, oddly enough). First, she was one of the finalists in Miss Ulster Sun 2000 (no, she didn’t get them out!). She’s also the one member of the bar-staff my brother knows by name. She was supposed to be the subject of the first Focus On…, but pulled a “sickie” because she hadn’t had her hair done, and she whinges to anyone who’ll listen that she needs her “boobs done”. So, in almost all her glory (I singularly failed to persuade her conduct this interview naked), here’s Kirsty...

Your name and age?
Kirsty Michelle Cooper, 18.
How long have you been working here?
2½ years
Have you worked in any other bars?
I worked in Donegans for about three hours. It was crap so I walked out!
What do you do during daylight hours?
I work in Morgan, in the Tempest centre in Main Street. I’m also doing an HND in Travel & Tourism Management at Bangor Tech. I’m going to be an air hostess! (when I grow up…Ed!)
What do you remember about your first night?
Only that it was a Friday Night, and my feet were agony!
Have you had a best ever night in Wolsey’s?
Not so much a best night as a best week-end. When me and the boyfriend both had an entire weekend off. Me and Paula danced like maniacs upstairs Friday & Saturday, and the Sunday night was Wolsey’s staff do. I had a new outfit for each night, and I was so ill, I threw up in Morgan on the Saturday!
Is there anything you actually like about Wolsey’s?
The customers are great, but I enjoy working with the rest of the staff, especially my boyfriend. We have a good laugh. Also, getting paid so I can buy more outfits!
What do you dislike about Wolsey’s? 
The music downstairs. They refuse to play Britney! (Damn right!... Ed) They won’t even play other cheesy pop like Steps or Westlife. Also watching people get drunk when you’re working is crap, but there’s not a lot you can do about that!
And finally, which member of staff are you shagging?
Jonny Collins, or Baby Bear as I like to call him!

The Wizard’s Sleeve is a registered trademark of Hairy Palms Promotions. All rights reserved. You may not copy or reproduce in any shape or form the style or content therein, without the express written permission of a representative of Hairy Palms Promotions, namely Kayeso. This is because he’s a bit of a selfish sod and doesn’t want anyone else to get any of the credit. Not that they did sod all mind. I did the first issue out of the goodness of my heart expecting only some contribution to subsequent issues. But is it forthcoming. Is it f**k!!